Why aren't you married yet?

This past Christmas weekend for the Anderson family was spent around the Christmas tree opening a number of carefully purchased and homemade gifts, in the kitchen making honey-glazed ham, twice-baked potatoes and chili, drinking beer, watching family favorites like Anne of Avonlea and engaging in innumerable conversations. But the best part of my family’s Christmases, especially as a 20-something, is that I never arrive home to the obnoxious question: Why aren't you married yet?

You know what I'm talking about, the anything but subtle stares at my empty left hand, that relative that nudges my boyfriend and inquires why he hasn’t popped the question yet, aunts and uncles thinking it’s odd that I haven’t “settled down” yet. While I know that everyone in my immediate family thinks from time to time, “I wonder who will be the first to marry, to have kids, to go back to school, etc.” it’s not a pressure placed on us by my parents or each other. I'm lucky because my family is pretty chill about the whole thing but for many others aside from my family, this is not the case.

I remember when I graduated from undergrad, a Bachelor of Science with honors from a fairly prominent Mid-West school, I attended a high school play that my brother was in. I had participated in the same high school drama group in my day and it was exciting to go back and see things from the audiences’ perspective. I also looked forward to seeing old faces and hearing all of the news from the people I spent so much time with in high school. While my brother’s performance was great (they always are) I walked away from that experience extremely frustrated, sad and feeling my recent achievements were nothing more than a walk around the park.

You see, every person who I spoke to following the performance glanced at my finger. They asked if I was dating anyone. Asked me why I wasn’t married yet, when I wanted to have kids. Several of my friends from high school had rings, husbands, even babies to show off and they were the popular ones. I, on the other hand, was a bore. I was even disappointing it felt, because I had been gone for four years and, in their eyes, had nothing to show for it. My saving grace was a friend of my mothers who asked what I had been up to and I explained that I had been accepted into graduate school in Boston and was moving in the fall. She exclaimed, with a giant smile on her face, “That’s so impressive, Tomika! How exciting?! Good for you!” Without her comment, I might have burst into tears. The pity expressed towards me made me feel like I had accomplished nothing. Like without a husband and baby of my own, I had nothing to offer the world. It was so disheartening especially because it came from not only the older generation of mothers and grandmothers, but from my own peers.

Why is it that even now, with all that we’ve done in our 20s, those of us who have not chosen marriage and babies are the “late bloomers?” I don’t look at my friends who have made the choice to start a family right away as “jumping the gun.” They have simply made a choice that works for them and I respect that, tremendously. Of my closest friends, I have some from all different choices: those that married out of high school and are celebrating 10 year anniversaries and have two or three children. I have some that are on a second marriage. I have some that did four years of school, met their soul mate and are on year five of a great union. I have some who have decided this is the year to adopt a baby and for many, last year was the year to create their own. I have friends who are working on the PhDs and DMAs. Who are living with a significant other in a new place. Several are in the Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, Teach for America, City Year, or some other National Service offering. Who have been employed at one job for eight straight years and loved every minute of it. Some who are going back to school to finish and some that dropped out never to go back. You name it, my group of friends has done it and I love that! Why is there a standard placed on us? Why is there a specific time when things must be done. Why do the singletons get pitied (especially women). And why, oh why do people not understand why I am not married!?

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be married some day. I look forward to my wedding and settling down. I really want to be a mom and adopt children to love as my own. I want to give birth and experience the joy of carrying a child. I want to grow old with my husband and experience the highs and lows of marriage. But not today. And, it is my decision, not society’s to decide when it is right for me. Instead, I wish that 20-something accomplishments could be appreciated across the board. Whether you’re working hard at a career, married with baby number four on the way or just now going to college. As long as you’re out doing I think that is all that is important.

And, for now, I’ll just shrug off the marriage question and hope that those asking it can appreciate my decisions (even when I’ve failed) and be happy for me. I’m happy, for me, why shouldn’t they be?

The One Where...

I’ve loved the tv show Friends since college. While I wasn’t allowed to watch it in early high school, I got hooked on the show when it entered its 7^th season my freshman year. At the time I loved the characters, their clothes, the dramatic relationships and the cool things they got to do.  It wasn’t until the show had ended and I was living in California in 2006 that I finally grasped why I loved the show so much.

When I moved to Boston after undergrad, I was essentially on my own. I knew only one person from my past and the rest were new. Everything else was new too: new coffee shops, new highways, new banks, new ways to get to work, new everything. It was one of the hardest years of my life because I lacked a family. Don’t get me wrong, I have one of the best families around and even from a distance, my parents and siblings kept in touch and were supportive in every way they knew how. But still, they weren’t nearby and weren’t able to be supportive in the ways they were in high school and college. 

When you grow up and leave home, you can’t take your family with you. Instead, you create a new family; a family of friends. Friends become your parents, offering you advice and guidance as you take on the biggest challenges of your young life. They become your siblings, the people who you take on the world with and are daring with. They become your aunts and uncles, the people who help you create those really random memories and you have your favorite one who you know will always be the life of the party.

For me, my family of friends has held me together through some really great and really awful times in my 20s. From being alone in Boston, where my “family” consisted of an old acquaintance from college who became my brother, a new, younger sister who had more faith in me than I had in myself, and a group of Irish cousins who gave me more joy than I had experienced in a long time, to Kansas City and my current family of college friends who are teaching me by leading by example through their marriages, births, divorces, career success and failures, and more. Even my small, temporary families during my year in California and when I started my first "grown-up" job at MARC have each contributed greatly to my individual growth and development.

I love the show Friends because it showed that sometimes, life can be undefined and scary but with a "family of friends," you’ll be okay. I’ve been thinking a ton about this lately because of the bleakness of my current situation of still trying to figure out my life plan. I plan on doing a series of blogs on "friends as family" with some first-hand accounts of what it’s like to leave home and create a new family, as it brings many different ways of surviving. But until then, I’ll share with you a brief quote from Time Magazine that sums this up:


“No sitcom has ever been as deliberately self-effacing as Friends. The title, the theme song, the episode names ("The One Where...") were self-explanatory at best, insipid at worst. They were friends; they were there for each other. Move along, nothing more to see. But it wasn't just the sharp writing or the comic rapport that made Friends great. Its Gen-X characters were the children of divorce, suicide and cross-dressing, trying to grow up without any clear models of how to do it. They built ersatz families and had kids by adoption, surrogacy, out of wedlock or with their gay ex-wives. The show never pretended to be about anything weightier than 'We were on a break.' But the well-hidden secret of this show was that it called itself Friends, and was really about family.”

I’m realizing more and more each day how great my “family” is, and has been, and how it is your family of friends that gets you through your quarter-life crisis. 

comfort food

Last night, after a quick run, I decided I would make a quick, comfort food dinner for myself. I grabbed a can of tomato soup and grilled half of a grilled cheese sandwich. While doing so, my mind began to wander back to the last time I had made a comfort food meal. I quickly remembered. It wasn’t a grilled cheese night but on Mother’s Day this year, my best friend was having a bad day. Perhaps it was because she lost her mother two years prior and had little to celebrate on this particular day. Perhaps it was because the time since her mother got sick has been one of more ups and downs than many people experience in a lifetime. Perhaps it was because my friend was still single and tired of being the only one of her friends to not have a “plus one” for the wedding invitations beginning to pile up in her mailbox. Who knows the exact reason why this was a bad day but our remedy was comfort food and conversation.

Thinking about that day and what we discussed and how I felt when she left made me miss something dreadfully. You see, my friend has grown exponentially over the past year. She is my age and has struggled with all of the typical twenty-something challenges but in addition to that, as I mentioned, she lost her mother (who was her best friend) when she was only in her mid-50s. Way too early. To add even more to this, my friend has been alone in the city for some time as her family is spread out around the country and her father has since remarried and has new family to juggle. She’s been through a lot and I’ve been at her side for much of it.

This year, however, my friend has finally worked her way out of the dark hole that kept sucking her in. She has accepted the tragedy of losing her mother and chooses to celebrate the life she had instead of dwelling too much on what could have been. She has learned how to love herself. She has learned that she is beautiful, inside and out. She has learned how to be in a relationship. She has learned that she doesn’t have to follow any specific path set out for her by society. She has learned so much and while she has so much more to learn in her life (we all do), she doesn’t need comfort food as much anymore.

The thing I missed dreadfully last night is not that my friend was hurting, but that it was the bond that takes place when one person hurts, the other person helps and somehow, the helper is also helped. Every time I gave my friend advice, support and love in her darkest hour, I learned something. I grew a little. I felt less alone and needed. It was a wonderful feeling even though it terrifies me when my friends cry. I never know what to do or say but somehow, with a little comfort food, I manage. By being willing to listen and be supportive, I was given the chance to be a grownup and lead the way. It encouraged my adulthood. 

I think the thing about friendship in our 20s is that by being good friends, we receive even better friendship. My best friend and I are unique because we’ve been friends longer in our lives than we haven’t. We’ve also been through some serious crap together and made it through. Don’t misunderstand; I don’t want another parent to die in order to create a dire situation of need again. I’m just realizing that the way my friends need me as we move into adulthood is changing. Soon, best friends will have to compete with spouses (this has already taken place several times in my life and it sucks). Soon, I won't be #1 on my friends list to call in time of need because they'll have a new best friend in their spouse or their kids. Soon, my friendships will be different because my needs will be different. We're growing up and things are changing.

But for now, it’s a really wonderful feeling to look back and realize what this specific friendship overcame. In short, my best friends' needs exposed my needs and by leaning on each other and being willing to learn, we did just that. 

"unfriending"

I read an article on CNN.com recently that discussed when one should “unfriend” someone on Facebook. It listed examples of ex-significant others, co-workers, parents, etc. all with great reasons of when it’s time to let go of some Facebook or social media/internet relationships. I’ve often been an advocate of “unfriending” ex’s or friends that have become enemies because I believe avenues such as Facebook allow an unhealthy and almost obsessive following of people. It’s almost like gossip when you can spy on an ex without them knowing and keeps their life fresh in your eyes when you should really just let go and move on. For whatever reason, the relationship is over and even if it wasn’t a negative ending, it still can’t be healthy to have silent access to their lives. Life’s just too short to spend it Facebook stalking people with whom you have nothing to do with.

My question is, however, when is it right to “unfriend” people in our 20-something lives? I’m not talking about online; I’m talking about people who have played an integral part in our lives who we’ve simply moved apart from. Friendships change drastically in our 20s with many softly coming to a close just because. Whether you move away, change jobs, get a girlfriend/boyfriend, or just change interests, sometimes people just change friendship interests. When do you let go?

I’m sure if you look back to your high school friend list the names you’ll find are ones of people you have not seen, much less thought about for years. Why? While a few of those friendships may have ended abruptly over an argument or misunderstanding I’m sure you didn’t make enemies out of you the majority of your high school class. But what happened? Was there an official friendship ending ceremony where you said your goodbyes? Doubtful. I think a large part of your 20s is figuring out who your real friends are. By “real” I don’t mean that those who don’t make the cut aren’t good enough, but that in reality life is just too busy to accommodate a large list of close friends. Between school, work, falling in love, kids, families and the other many things we do as 20-somethings there is no way to balance genuine, healthy friendships with a huge amount of people. So, we weed some out.

My closest friends can tell you that I’m a very loyal person. I do what I say I will do and I’ll get your back whenever you ask and even when you might not be brave enough to ask. I fight for people and I fight for my friends, but sometimes even as hard as I fight, I just don’t get what I need back from a friend. That’s my hint that maybe it’s time to let it go. Sometimes it’s hard, especially when it’s someone who I’ve shared many memories with and that I one day thought I’d die without. But it’s normal and really, it’s healthy.

There are also friends that it’s okay to only see once a year but just because you don’t connect regularly doesn’t mean you’re not real friends. I have a couple of really special friends who I see very rarely but I can pick up conversation with the minute we’re together. I don’t even try to call them in between meetings and some of them I don’t even have contact information for. It is still a genuine and wonderful friendship and I am thrilled ever time I see them. I’m also not offended when they don’t contact me.

Even with this suggestion of choosing your friends wisely, I think this can be done too extremely for some. Example: how many friends of yours have up and vanished the minute they became attached to their significant other? I used to hate each time my friends got engaged because even though I’d receive an invitation to the wedding, I never again experienced my friendship with that person in the same way again. Recently, I’ve been very spoiled because several of my “real” friends have been on the flip side of this process and made it a point to stay true to their pre-marriage friendships (for this I am very grateful). Gaining a spouse or partner won’t alleviate one’s need for friends; in fact, friendships are a really wonderful support for marriages, old and new. So even if you’re in love, don’t forget about us out here.

I guess what I’ve learned is this: as we grow up and priorities change, we should keep friends but not too many. Be loyal to those you call your friends, regardless of how far away they move or how much their lives may change. Those who haven’t shown an interest in you for a time have simply moved on so let them go; you’re still a good friend but some times it’s not worth fighting for.

I’m lucky to have a lot of friends, old and new. I also have a million memories with people who I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. These memories make up who I am and who I will continue to become. To my friends of today, yesterday and tomorrow: thanks. 

Grad School…worth it?

Earlier this week while out with some new friends, someone said, “I wonder if I’d be happier if I just hadn’t gone to law school.” This comment got us (almost all recent graduate school graduates) briefly discussing where we might be financially, emotionally, etc. had we made different choices when it came to post undergraduate education. While the conversation was short-lived, we had trivia to return to, it is a subject that has been a daily question on my mind through my quarter-life crisis. Was my graduate education worth it? Was it a waste of my time and money? Will it really set me apart from others in my field competing for similar jobs?

The blog, Unemploymentability, claims unemployment is less costly than a Master’s degree. When you look at the exact cost comparison it looks intriguing; spend money and work or barely work and get other people’s money for free. I can’t imagine that most people who are seriously considering furthering their education would really consider the latter though, I know I wouldn’t. Instead of this extreme suggestion, I’d prefer discuss the realities of graduate education:

Cost – public schools can cost anywhere from 10K – 15K per year (my graduate education was only 13K total partially because I stayed in-state) and private schools can be as much as 30K or more per year. Keep in mind these costs do not include moving expenses or cost of living and many graduate students are no longer on their parents’ insurance and university benefits are very expensive.

Job Market – it’s not news to anyone that the job market is not pretty. Even Ivy League graduates aren’t able to find work much less those of us who have attended public universities for our degrees. When we do find work we are often overqualified for a job in our field or we step outside of our field and go back to bartending or working retail.

Education – Learning is wonderful. When you put yourself through any academic program, you are expanding your mind and experiences; it’s great! Especially if you are hoping to move up in your field, it’s all about the more you know and credentials are vital in many areas. While the job market is lacking now, I bet when it gets better it’ll be the people with the most education/skills that are hired first. Something else to remember is “Education, in and of itself, is always beneficial. Nonetheless, whether it is beneficial for a specific person is another matter entirely” (College News). Just because it’s a graduate degree doesn’t mean it’s going to benefit you and your specific career plans.

Grad school is really expensive. You might not find a job right away and you might not find your ideal job for a while. And, while education is really valuable, it still takes careful consideration of what type of education is best for you. I still think it’s totally worth it. So, for those who are scared of the cost of school there are several remedies to help your pocketbook:

Work while in school. Whether a part-time, full-time of work study position, working while in school does several very helpful things: earns money, teaches time management, makes a great resume and keeps your loans down. I worked full-time during all seven years of my undergraduate and graduate education and I was able to escape with very few loans.

Seriously research scholarships. There is a ton of money out there for the taking, you just have to do your research. Even if you’re a non-traditional student returning to school, you can find government and private help. Think about how you’re unique, how you stand out: grades, background, experience, race, gender, and interests, and then look hard for people that appreciate that. You’d be surprised how many scholarships are out there. Even if you don’t have a 4.0, there are opportunities out there. I didn’t pay a cent of my graduate education because of scholarships I received but I had to look hard for them.

Be willing to make some sacrifices. Along with sacrificing time, (especially if you’re working while in school) be willing to give up some things in order to make graduate school living work. Living with roommates, or maybe even your parents, to cut back on rent, driving a crappy car to avoid making car payments/paying higher insurance or even giving up a car and carpool or relying on public transportation are all tough things to do that can make a huge difference.

Understand that school is an investment. Just as investments take time to produce great returns, an education may take time before you really feel a quality return on what you’ve put into it. You’re not going to walk out of school in to the job of a lifetime, you’re not going to pay off your loans in a year or own your dream car in your 20s. But all of this is okay and really, it’s what is going to provide the best experience for you.

Bottom line: do your research and make sure you’re in it for the right reason. Be patient and don’t compare yourself to your peers because really we’re all second guessing our choices about school even if we won’t admit it. Also, don’t feel like you have to rush into grad school, take your time to make sure it’s the right thing for you. I rushed in to grad school once; I lasted 10 days.

What are other’s opinions about the true value of a graduate education?

my quarter-life crisis

The blessing and curse of the life of a 20-something is that it is defined by a complete lack of definition.

I’ve had several friends start blogs when embarking on a year-long adventure in London while studying overseas, during their Peace Corps term in the Far East or while backpacking through South America on a “journey of self discovery.” This summer, I began my own journey of self discovery when I quit my full-time job after only 9 months and joined the Youth Volunteer Corps for a year-long term as a Team Leader. The lessons learned and the challenges encountered in the months leading up to this decision have been numerous. I have been humbled by the fact that while I’m 29 years old and have more academic degrees than I know what to do with, I find myself serving tables again in order to pay the bills. I’m not supposed to be here. Or am I?

This blog is intended to be a place of reflection, conversation, questioning and challenge. Getting married, having kids, finishing college and/or grad school, getting divorced, beginning careers, changing careers, traveling, quitting, and experiencing is what we do; there is no perfect formula or any formula for that matter. This is my story made public because I know I’m not alone. This blog is my attempt to change my and others’ feelings of failure, disappointment and confusion into success, discovery, and intentional life living or at least let you know that you're not alone. This is my “quarter-life crisis.”