comfort food

Last night, after a quick run, I decided I would make a quick, comfort food dinner for myself. I grabbed a can of tomato soup and grilled half of a grilled cheese sandwich. While doing so, my mind began to wander back to the last time I had made a comfort food meal. I quickly remembered. It wasn’t a grilled cheese night but on Mother’s Day this year, my best friend was having a bad day. Perhaps it was because she lost her mother two years prior and had little to celebrate on this particular day. Perhaps it was because the time since her mother got sick has been one of more ups and downs than many people experience in a lifetime. Perhaps it was because my friend was still single and tired of being the only one of her friends to not have a “plus one” for the wedding invitations beginning to pile up in her mailbox. Who knows the exact reason why this was a bad day but our remedy was comfort food and conversation.

Thinking about that day and what we discussed and how I felt when she left made me miss something dreadfully. You see, my friend has grown exponentially over the past year. She is my age and has struggled with all of the typical twenty-something challenges but in addition to that, as I mentioned, she lost her mother (who was her best friend) when she was only in her mid-50s. Way too early. To add even more to this, my friend has been alone in the city for some time as her family is spread out around the country and her father has since remarried and has new family to juggle. She’s been through a lot and I’ve been at her side for much of it.

This year, however, my friend has finally worked her way out of the dark hole that kept sucking her in. She has accepted the tragedy of losing her mother and chooses to celebrate the life she had instead of dwelling too much on what could have been. She has learned how to love herself. She has learned that she is beautiful, inside and out. She has learned how to be in a relationship. She has learned that she doesn’t have to follow any specific path set out for her by society. She has learned so much and while she has so much more to learn in her life (we all do), she doesn’t need comfort food as much anymore.

The thing I missed dreadfully last night is not that my friend was hurting, but that it was the bond that takes place when one person hurts, the other person helps and somehow, the helper is also helped. Every time I gave my friend advice, support and love in her darkest hour, I learned something. I grew a little. I felt less alone and needed. It was a wonderful feeling even though it terrifies me when my friends cry. I never know what to do or say but somehow, with a little comfort food, I manage. By being willing to listen and be supportive, I was given the chance to be a grownup and lead the way. It encouraged my adulthood. 

I think the thing about friendship in our 20s is that by being good friends, we receive even better friendship. My best friend and I are unique because we’ve been friends longer in our lives than we haven’t. We’ve also been through some serious crap together and made it through. Don’t misunderstand; I don’t want another parent to die in order to create a dire situation of need again. I’m just realizing that the way my friends need me as we move into adulthood is changing. Soon, best friends will have to compete with spouses (this has already taken place several times in my life and it sucks). Soon, I won't be #1 on my friends list to call in time of need because they'll have a new best friend in their spouse or their kids. Soon, my friendships will be different because my needs will be different. We're growing up and things are changing.

But for now, it’s a really wonderful feeling to look back and realize what this specific friendship overcame. In short, my best friends' needs exposed my needs and by leaning on each other and being willing to learn, we did just that. 

"unfriending"

I read an article on CNN.com recently that discussed when one should “unfriend” someone on Facebook. It listed examples of ex-significant others, co-workers, parents, etc. all with great reasons of when it’s time to let go of some Facebook or social media/internet relationships. I’ve often been an advocate of “unfriending” ex’s or friends that have become enemies because I believe avenues such as Facebook allow an unhealthy and almost obsessive following of people. It’s almost like gossip when you can spy on an ex without them knowing and keeps their life fresh in your eyes when you should really just let go and move on. For whatever reason, the relationship is over and even if it wasn’t a negative ending, it still can’t be healthy to have silent access to their lives. Life’s just too short to spend it Facebook stalking people with whom you have nothing to do with.

My question is, however, when is it right to “unfriend” people in our 20-something lives? I’m not talking about online; I’m talking about people who have played an integral part in our lives who we’ve simply moved apart from. Friendships change drastically in our 20s with many softly coming to a close just because. Whether you move away, change jobs, get a girlfriend/boyfriend, or just change interests, sometimes people just change friendship interests. When do you let go?

I’m sure if you look back to your high school friend list the names you’ll find are ones of people you have not seen, much less thought about for years. Why? While a few of those friendships may have ended abruptly over an argument or misunderstanding I’m sure you didn’t make enemies out of you the majority of your high school class. But what happened? Was there an official friendship ending ceremony where you said your goodbyes? Doubtful. I think a large part of your 20s is figuring out who your real friends are. By “real” I don’t mean that those who don’t make the cut aren’t good enough, but that in reality life is just too busy to accommodate a large list of close friends. Between school, work, falling in love, kids, families and the other many things we do as 20-somethings there is no way to balance genuine, healthy friendships with a huge amount of people. So, we weed some out.

My closest friends can tell you that I’m a very loyal person. I do what I say I will do and I’ll get your back whenever you ask and even when you might not be brave enough to ask. I fight for people and I fight for my friends, but sometimes even as hard as I fight, I just don’t get what I need back from a friend. That’s my hint that maybe it’s time to let it go. Sometimes it’s hard, especially when it’s someone who I’ve shared many memories with and that I one day thought I’d die without. But it’s normal and really, it’s healthy.

There are also friends that it’s okay to only see once a year but just because you don’t connect regularly doesn’t mean you’re not real friends. I have a couple of really special friends who I see very rarely but I can pick up conversation with the minute we’re together. I don’t even try to call them in between meetings and some of them I don’t even have contact information for. It is still a genuine and wonderful friendship and I am thrilled ever time I see them. I’m also not offended when they don’t contact me.

Even with this suggestion of choosing your friends wisely, I think this can be done too extremely for some. Example: how many friends of yours have up and vanished the minute they became attached to their significant other? I used to hate each time my friends got engaged because even though I’d receive an invitation to the wedding, I never again experienced my friendship with that person in the same way again. Recently, I’ve been very spoiled because several of my “real” friends have been on the flip side of this process and made it a point to stay true to their pre-marriage friendships (for this I am very grateful). Gaining a spouse or partner won’t alleviate one’s need for friends; in fact, friendships are a really wonderful support for marriages, old and new. So even if you’re in love, don’t forget about us out here.

I guess what I’ve learned is this: as we grow up and priorities change, we should keep friends but not too many. Be loyal to those you call your friends, regardless of how far away they move or how much their lives may change. Those who haven’t shown an interest in you for a time have simply moved on so let them go; you’re still a good friend but some times it’s not worth fighting for.

I’m lucky to have a lot of friends, old and new. I also have a million memories with people who I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. These memories make up who I am and who I will continue to become. To my friends of today, yesterday and tomorrow: thanks.