Someday, I plan on having an adoption blog. Here are a couple that (while I'm not at all ready to be a parent) I enjoy reading: Bicycle Baskets (a family at my old church who shared their adoption story with me); Love is Waiting (my friends aaron and heather who are in the process of adoption); Grow in my Heart (a random I came across on the web); and What I Want You to Know: Being a Birthmom (the specific entry that made me write this post).
For now, while this has nothing to do with my quarter-life crisis, it's something I thought was worth sharing:
Last Saturday was my birthday. It was a crazy weekend full of working, playing, celebrating and more working. My family and friends were wonderfully attentive and loving, throwing me celebration after celebration. It was really great and made me feel special. While each celebration meant a lot to me, I still felt very alone on my birthday. You see, for those of you who didn’t know, I’m adopted and each year, my birthday is hard, bittersweet and I rarely look forward to it.
Of the few people in my life who I’ve shared that my birthday isn’t just cake, candles and presents, most have never really understood why. I’ve heard many different reactions to this like, “You’re adopted, shouldn’t you feel twice as loved on your birthday?” “You’re so lucky, you have a great family, aren’t you happy with that?” “I bet your birthparents are thinking of you, isn’t that sweet?” Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate these peoples' grasps to understand where I’m coming from, but the reality is they don’t. And for a long time, these types of comments made me feel selfish for being sad on this day. Shouldn’t I be glad someone picked me at all? Shouldn’t I be incredibly thankful that I got my family; they are pretty amazing? Shouldn’t I be overjoyed that I wasn’t aborted and that I got the chance to even have a birthday? Feeling sad on this day felt selfish and wrong and it just ate away at me. Sure, I am thankful, I’m lucky; I’m spoiled rotten and know it. But on April 16th, each and every year, I spend my day not thinking about the woman I’m becoming but thinking about another woman, my birthmother.
I have the greatest mom (the mom that raised me, she's who I will always call "Mom"). Not kidding, my mother has given everything to her five children: education, opportunity, love, support, you name it. She is my guide, mentor, teacher, and best friend. I wouldn’t replace her for anything. But the fact is, there is another woman who I’m connected to as well and while I cannot remember her face, her smell or touch, I feel her because she is part of me. Each year, on my birthday, I know she thinks about me; a truly surreal feeling. This is a day that I miss her terribly and the bond we never got to create.
I have a love/hate relationship with St. Patrick’s Day. I love green; it’s my favorite color. I love the spring that is always in the air. I love skipping work to drink all day and celebrate a ridiculous holiday with friends. But what I hate is that all day, people discuss their heritage. Not just the proud Irish, but everyone seems to take time on that day to talk and brag about where they come from. While this takes place, I usually sit and observe silently because I have nothing real to contribute. I know nothing about me.
My mom and dad gave me a single sheet of paper when I was in high school that had some basic info on my birth parents. It included height, weight, eye color, religion, age, occupation and basic ethnicity. My history on one, old piece of paper. It's nice to know the information on it, to see a tiny piece of what went into me, but I don’t know why I’m musical, loud, why my eyes are almost black and why, when my mother was 5’2” and my father 5’8” I turned out to be 5’9”. I don’t know why I struggle with reading. I don’t know why I love to sing but never in front of people. And I don't know why I hate peanut butter and chocolate. I know that many of my traits were picked up from my current family but there are things that I know didn’t come from them. I doubt I ever will and that’s not an easy thing to live with.
I’ve thought about looking for her. I started the process once but then convinced myself that she abandoned me once, why would I want her to do it again? I’ve never been one of those, “you’re not my real mom” kids, and never sought to find my birthmother as an escape. I was too smart for that and my parents were great ones, even in our hard moments, so there was no real reason to. I’ve never really wanted to get in touch with my birthmother. I’m not sure why. I think because it’d be hard. It’d open a door that might be hard to close. It would be hurtful, for all three parties of the triad. Hurtful for her to be reunited with someone she never got to be a mom to. Hurtful to my parents to share and be reminded that at one point, I wasn’t theirs. And hurtful to me to just be faced with the stories and questions about the life that might have been.
I have several friends that have adopted or are in the process of adoption. It excites me that they’ve chosen this path because it is a hard one. The patience required for the process, before the baby even comes, it’s so much more than nine months. The stress and anxiety of choosing a child out of the thousands in need of families. The challenge of having a child who is nothing like you. The difficult realization of knowing they’ll forever be connected to another. But, the joy of giving a child a life is one that makes it all worth it. I can’t wait to adopt and I know it’s going to be challenging, but it’s the right thing for me to do. I want to pass on the love and grace that has been shown to me by my birthmother and by my parents and family who together have given me the best life possible. It’s not only my duty but my privilege.
All this to say, to friends and parents of adopted children and adults: birthdays are hard and can be sad. Don’t challenge it, just listen, celebrate and understand that having two moms isn’t easy and it shouldn’t be. A book my best friend gave me, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew, reads, "Not only does the day mark the beginning of the adopted person’s life, it also reminds the adoptee of what she has lost" (Eldridge). "Adoption is only made possible through loss, and birthdays can bring forward many adoption related issues for adopted people. An adoptee is not being ungrateful for the life provided by her adoptive family by asking these questions, it is just her way of dealing with the emotions only an adoptee can experience."
My two moms are both in me, one of them I talk to almost every day and forget that we look nothing alike. The other one has a face I’ve never seen…except maybe, once in a while, looking back at me in the mirror.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My Kids
My life has been really hard this year. I’ve had some really unfair and challenging things to face and overall, it’s just been hard. Despite the hardships, I’ve found ways to be happy this year: my family, my friends, my future, there are good things happening. But today especially, I experienced something that made me feel really, really good about being me and about the choices and sacrifices I’ve made, as well as our country's future.
Most people don’t really understand what I do, both my National Service and my actual job. I won’t go into much detail as it’s not my main point but basically AmeriCorps is a government-funded program that allows individuals to work in the govt. and nonprofit sectors. It assists the organization by helping to pay for added staff to run many vital programs that support a vast number of social needs. Mine is the Youth Volunteer Corps of Greater Kansas City. We make next to nothing, about $1000 over the poverty line, but it works. We are Team Leaders who essentially run the program under the direction of a program director and a part-time assistant.
For one year we:
A) Cultivate relationships with area nonprofits that have volunteer needs;
B) Design volunteer projects (on Saturdays, after-school, within schools, special holidays like MLK Day of Service and over the summer), these projects are not just working to paint, clean, care for clients, mentor, etc. but also include service-learning components and team and leadership building lessons;
C) We recruit youth (ages 11 – 18) to come and volunteer at the projects; and
D) We volunteer alongside of them while teaching and supervising.
There are highs and lows of the actual job, of course, and it’s a constant learning process whether it’s creating new systems in the office or dealing with a problem kid who doesn’t want to work. The greatest thing about this job, however, is also one of the things that made me commit to the nonprofit sector, both academically and professionally. It's the people who serve.
This morning, we begin accepting applications for our Summer Program. The program consists of 8-weeks (very much like a summer camp). There are five project choices each week at a variety of Kansas City nonprofits. Youth can sign up for one week or all eight and they commit to a max of 24 hours per project (9-3, M – Th). These projects are fun and work for the youth and can often be a huge opportunity for a struggling nonprofit. The amount of work that a group of just 10 youth can get done in 24 hours is incredible, in fact one of our biggest challenges is ensuring that the youth will have enough to do and not get bored! This year we have 40 projects with 560 individual spots for youth volunteers. I don't quite remember the math, but it's about 15,000 hours of service in 8-weeks.
To apply, youth or their parents had to come into the office beginning at 7 am to turn in their application. Last year, we had several early birds so we had been warned to be prepared for a rush of applicants first thing. I arrived at the office this morning at 5:30 am to be greeted by 5 youth and two parents who had proudly claimed their spot to begin the line. By 6:30 am, more than 50 people were in line, by 7 am over 80. By 8 am, after one hour of accepting applications, more than 150 youth had signed up. By the time I left at 6:15pm, 90% of the projects were full. There was no iPad, no concert tickets, no celebrity to photograph. The prize at the end of the line was serving their community…all by people 11 – 18.
How special is that?
People say this country is in trouble. People say youth have no voice. People say that family and community values are lost. They are wrong. This country has its issues, duh, but how incredible is it that kids will wake up hours before school to ensure that this summer, they get to volunteer? To commit to this program, youth are giving a large part of their summer where they could otherwise be working, playing, sleeping, traveling, you name it but they have spoken. They want to volunteer.
This sector that I serve allows that to happen. It houses amazing 501c3s that change bad to good. It gives back. It teaches kids the importance of caring about where they come from and helping those in need for no reason but because it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve had a crappy year, there’s no doubting that. But these kids have changed my life and made me see love in a way that is truly, truly special. Not sure what your summer plans are but I guarantee you, my summer plans are pretty unbeatable.
Most people don’t really understand what I do, both my National Service and my actual job. I won’t go into much detail as it’s not my main point but basically AmeriCorps is a government-funded program that allows individuals to work in the govt. and nonprofit sectors. It assists the organization by helping to pay for added staff to run many vital programs that support a vast number of social needs. Mine is the Youth Volunteer Corps of Greater Kansas City. We make next to nothing, about $1000 over the poverty line, but it works. We are Team Leaders who essentially run the program under the direction of a program director and a part-time assistant.
For one year we:
A) Cultivate relationships with area nonprofits that have volunteer needs;
B) Design volunteer projects (on Saturdays, after-school, within schools, special holidays like MLK Day of Service and over the summer), these projects are not just working to paint, clean, care for clients, mentor, etc. but also include service-learning components and team and leadership building lessons;
C) We recruit youth (ages 11 – 18) to come and volunteer at the projects; and
D) We volunteer alongside of them while teaching and supervising.
There are highs and lows of the actual job, of course, and it’s a constant learning process whether it’s creating new systems in the office or dealing with a problem kid who doesn’t want to work. The greatest thing about this job, however, is also one of the things that made me commit to the nonprofit sector, both academically and professionally. It's the people who serve.
This morning, we begin accepting applications for our Summer Program. The program consists of 8-weeks (very much like a summer camp). There are five project choices each week at a variety of Kansas City nonprofits. Youth can sign up for one week or all eight and they commit to a max of 24 hours per project (9-3, M – Th). These projects are fun and work for the youth and can often be a huge opportunity for a struggling nonprofit. The amount of work that a group of just 10 youth can get done in 24 hours is incredible, in fact one of our biggest challenges is ensuring that the youth will have enough to do and not get bored! This year we have 40 projects with 560 individual spots for youth volunteers. I don't quite remember the math, but it's about 15,000 hours of service in 8-weeks.
To apply, youth or their parents had to come into the office beginning at 7 am to turn in their application. Last year, we had several early birds so we had been warned to be prepared for a rush of applicants first thing. I arrived at the office this morning at 5:30 am to be greeted by 5 youth and two parents who had proudly claimed their spot to begin the line. By 6:30 am, more than 50 people were in line, by 7 am over 80. By 8 am, after one hour of accepting applications, more than 150 youth had signed up. By the time I left at 6:15pm, 90% of the projects were full. There was no iPad, no concert tickets, no celebrity to photograph. The prize at the end of the line was serving their community…all by people 11 – 18.
How special is that?
People say this country is in trouble. People say youth have no voice. People say that family and community values are lost. They are wrong. This country has its issues, duh, but how incredible is it that kids will wake up hours before school to ensure that this summer, they get to volunteer? To commit to this program, youth are giving a large part of their summer where they could otherwise be working, playing, sleeping, traveling, you name it but they have spoken. They want to volunteer.
This sector that I serve allows that to happen. It houses amazing 501c3s that change bad to good. It gives back. It teaches kids the importance of caring about where they come from and helping those in need for no reason but because it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve had a crappy year, there’s no doubting that. But these kids have changed my life and made me see love in a way that is truly, truly special. Not sure what your summer plans are but I guarantee you, my summer plans are pretty unbeatable.
Friday, April 8, 2011
My Myriad of Experiences = Fail?
Believe it or not, my year in AmeriCorps is nearing the end. I still have until the end of July, but when you’re the planner that I am, that means it’s time to look ahead and start making decisions about what is next. In college, I was always that student who was ready to plan out the next semester only two weeks into the semester at hand. I’m still like that and in October 2010; I was already scanning job listings at organizations in San Francisco. Now that the time has arrived however, the prospect of moving on is terrifying me.
It’s not scary because of the new city, moving, or leaving my community, my friends and family. It’s scary because the last few years of my career have severely damaged my self worth. I’ve had some really awful work experiences and blamed myself for them. It’s something I do, that I’m working on, but when something bad happens, I too quickly assume I’ve done something to deserve it. In any case, I’m scared that I’m not capable of having a grown-up job because the last two that I’ve had have resulted in my being degraded in ways I didn’t realize were still allowed in the workplace. To top that off, I’m also scared because I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore.
I received a wonderful letter from one of my dearest friends today. She and I have a oddly, similar school experience. We both homeschooled all 12 years (never knowing each other, I might add), attended the same undergraduate institution, took a couple of years off and returned to school to finish our graduate degrees in our late 20s. Our friendship is such that I’ve never been afraid to admit my fears about myself or my life to her and we’ve often discussed how confusing our past 10 years have been. Her letter was sent today without any prompting and she said something that I couldn’t have said better myself, “I have the weirdest resume; it attests to my lack of commitment and my propensity to try way too many different things. I tried to minimize how scattered my work life has been through my twenties, but it was difficult.” How immensely true are her words! I feel as though my work life is one, giant scrambled mess and I made it that way on purpose! Now, as I look to the future and really do want to settle down both personally and professionally, I find myself fearful that I’ve made such a mess of myself that no one will ever take me seriously. I mean come on, who’s going to put faith in a resume that includes: piano, fire fighting, teaching, volunteering, juvenile justice, public administration, marketing, serving, writing music and national service!? Sure, it was a ton of fun to do but now that I long to be taken seriously as a manager who is seriously going to look at that and be impressed?
I’ve been so lucky in my young life to have the opportunity to try out a lot of stuff. I remember year one in college, my mom wrote me a letter. She encouraged me not to look at the college experience as one where I would work hard at the things I was asked to do and succeed, but one where I saw a giant to-do list of opportunity. A list where I could, and should, try anything I wanted and never be afraid to fail in places or decide some things just weren't for me. It was wonderful advice. I did my basic stuff but pushed myself in new, scary ways and the experiences I’ve had were priceless. The problem now is that I did that after college too. I tried lots of stuff and now my resume reads like my giant to-do list with some great successes, but some things I tried and didn’t like as much. Nothing long-term, no obvious theme. I like to think that there is an underlying theme though: that I love to serve people. Not volunteering (although I do love doing that to some degree), but as my career. I love the nonprofit sector and that is my theme: to serve the nonprofit sector in order to meet the many, unique needs of our society.
My mother's advice was perfect and I am glad that I took it past college into my 20s but I'm not sure the professional world will agree with me. I only hope that the readers of my resume can find my theme and not only respect it but the diverse amount of experience I’ve chosen to have thus far. If not, I’m doomed because it’s all I have and it’s truly, all I am.
It’s not scary because of the new city, moving, or leaving my community, my friends and family. It’s scary because the last few years of my career have severely damaged my self worth. I’ve had some really awful work experiences and blamed myself for them. It’s something I do, that I’m working on, but when something bad happens, I too quickly assume I’ve done something to deserve it. In any case, I’m scared that I’m not capable of having a grown-up job because the last two that I’ve had have resulted in my being degraded in ways I didn’t realize were still allowed in the workplace. To top that off, I’m also scared because I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore.
I received a wonderful letter from one of my dearest friends today. She and I have a oddly, similar school experience. We both homeschooled all 12 years (never knowing each other, I might add), attended the same undergraduate institution, took a couple of years off and returned to school to finish our graduate degrees in our late 20s. Our friendship is such that I’ve never been afraid to admit my fears about myself or my life to her and we’ve often discussed how confusing our past 10 years have been. Her letter was sent today without any prompting and she said something that I couldn’t have said better myself, “I have the weirdest resume; it attests to my lack of commitment and my propensity to try way too many different things. I tried to minimize how scattered my work life has been through my twenties, but it was difficult.” How immensely true are her words! I feel as though my work life is one, giant scrambled mess and I made it that way on purpose! Now, as I look to the future and really do want to settle down both personally and professionally, I find myself fearful that I’ve made such a mess of myself that no one will ever take me seriously. I mean come on, who’s going to put faith in a resume that includes: piano, fire fighting, teaching, volunteering, juvenile justice, public administration, marketing, serving, writing music and national service!? Sure, it was a ton of fun to do but now that I long to be taken seriously as a manager who is seriously going to look at that and be impressed?
I’ve been so lucky in my young life to have the opportunity to try out a lot of stuff. I remember year one in college, my mom wrote me a letter. She encouraged me not to look at the college experience as one where I would work hard at the things I was asked to do and succeed, but one where I saw a giant to-do list of opportunity. A list where I could, and should, try anything I wanted and never be afraid to fail in places or decide some things just weren't for me. It was wonderful advice. I did my basic stuff but pushed myself in new, scary ways and the experiences I’ve had were priceless. The problem now is that I did that after college too. I tried lots of stuff and now my resume reads like my giant to-do list with some great successes, but some things I tried and didn’t like as much. Nothing long-term, no obvious theme. I like to think that there is an underlying theme though: that I love to serve people. Not volunteering (although I do love doing that to some degree), but as my career. I love the nonprofit sector and that is my theme: to serve the nonprofit sector in order to meet the many, unique needs of our society.
My mother's advice was perfect and I am glad that I took it past college into my 20s but I'm not sure the professional world will agree with me. I only hope that the readers of my resume can find my theme and not only respect it but the diverse amount of experience I’ve chosen to have thus far. If not, I’m doomed because it’s all I have and it’s truly, all I am.
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